Relationships are Selfish.

Don’t pass judgment until you read my reasoning.

What do you want from a relationship with another person? What are you looking to achieve?

  • You don’t want to be alone.
  • You want someone to financially take are of you.
  • You want love.
  • You desire attention and
  • To only have that one person for you.
  • …. I’m sure there are many personal reasons. Too many to list. Feel free to write in your own.

 

My point is: It’s what YOU want. Many are still single because it’s what YOU want. But those that are in relationships, I’m hoping you can follow my thought process.

Men:

You meet this woman, you take her on a date. You HOPE she wants pizza because you are craving it.. but will give her the opportunity to choose the restaurant based on what? The fact that you might get a smile and a kiss at the end of the night? It’s what you wanted when you asked her out — isn’t it?

Take it a step further. You’ve been dating a while and you move in together. She has found the most awesome (to her) curtains for your room. They are plaid with pink things in them. Does she get to keep them? OF COURSE!! Do you hate them? Yes. But! You’re sleeping with a woman by your side at night now… Sex ANYTIME. Right?

Now you’re married. She’s locked you down. This can go one of two ways: 1. You have decided for your benefit that it’s best to leave her to the house details or you start learning to really like pink and blue plaid.

 

Ladies:

Let’s just take the scenarios up there and process the same ones… shall we?

You meet this guy. He seems like someone your dad would approve of, why not agree to the date? It’s just a date. Who doesn’t want dinner and a companion? Maybe even a little night on the town? Attention?

So it turns out, dad did approve. Good job. Now you’re getting a place together. You test his co-habitation interest and approach him with pink and blue curtains. He says, sure… it’s whatever YOU want. Makes you happy because it reminds you of your old college dorm and thankfully they were on sale. You had a feeling he wouldn’t like them, but you bought them anyway for ‘us’.

And he proposed. You’re married. You got the attention and affection YOU wanted, you got the dinner… You even got the curtains. To ice the cake, he proposed and made it official. It’s what most (won’t say ‘every’) women want.

 

You got what you wanted. Selfishly.

Now hear me out. You can unselfishly give to your other but in a way… you’re doing it selfishly. It’s not what the other person wants. It’s what YOU want in response to doing something to or for someone else.  It’s YOUR life, right?

Stepping stones of life… or chapters. No one is saying those stones go up. Just a path. Hopping from one stone to the next or flipping the pages. When someone you have put your whole self into decides it’s better to follow a different path or read a different book, it hurts.

What’s worse is when you feel like the stepping stone or the old worn out novel.

 

I need to find the word.

Miserable, no. I’m sorta happy sometimes. Jealous? Maybe a smidge, but only of youth. Used up, maybe. But what is the word for feeling lost without your spark or your umpf? I feel my characteristics being transferred to another and now I have a loss of identity. Keep in mind, this may be all in my head. I’m hurting.

Is this one of those stupid guy things that once you say you’re​ with “her,” Her is just supposed to know every day? She doesn’t. Just because you nabbed the princess, fighting to keep her not only with you-but also to keep her (each other) happy. 

Shooing discreet symbols of affection and blatantly disregard the loneliness of her. 

Guess I’m the old ball under the bed right now.

Saw a dead body today…

…talk about adventure.

I wish I could have closed my eyes and not seen anything. BUT.. I did. And you guys are going to get my visual. Strap in, it was traumatic to me.

As I was headed to the post office, (much like I do any other day), jamie005HWY 27 was blocked off by about 27 cars and trucks. It was imperative that you drive thru the 2 oncoming lanes of traffic to avoid this catastrophe. Approaching the scene, cars blocked visually the accident. I thought the little diner was on fire. SERIOUSLY! There were fire trucks and only one ambulance. (Picture to the right is the only news on it so far and it’s on the FHP website as a call out… Fatal. Well, no kidding.

As I got closer and started thru the traffic squeeze, I saw large plastic tarps being held up by a young woman who looked quite pale. My eyes focused on the single tire that had been ripped from the car by the axle and broken in half that was in the middle lane. Panic came over my face and I looked up just as the curtain blew back from the wind to expose 2 dead people lying in the street. I saw them. I cannot give details as to what happened in the accident as I was traumatically flustered with a panic attack.

I saw a smashed vehicle, but I can’t tell you what color is was. It too had a matching tarp covering it.

Irrational fear is hard to explain to someone that doesn’t share your view.

I have a fear of Dead Bodies. This is No Shit… I can’t make this stuff up.

While speaking to my mother today about it and her calming me down, she tried to find the source of the fear. She said that it more than likely started when I was three. Check out this story that I can remember like it was yesterday:

I was 3 and my mom took us to the laundromat to do laundry. My brother (he was 7 or 8) was pushing me in one of the rolling carts. As my mother (I’m sure) told us to stop,  I wandered outside the door and found a man that had face planted the cement. Blood ran from his face and trickled a dark red into the gutter. He couldn’t move and I was struck with fear in not knowing what to do. Even in my little brain, I knew something was wrong. 

My mother protected us and just gathered her things and took us from the place. I have no closure knowing whether or not the guy lived. 

Since then, seeing a guy dying in front of me has sunk into my brain and given me the fear of death and dying and dead people. I can’t do it. I hyperventilate. 

Irrational fear is just that … irrational. Doesn’t make sense and everything else just stops. I hope that I get to experience irrational fear with J. Lemme rephrase: I hope he has some irrational fear that I get to place judgment on. He made me feel small and stupid.

It’s not something I can explain, but it’s real to me.

It’s been a couple days.

What can I say? I’m busy. Not lazy.

I’m sure you reading this going “seriously, how long does it take to write down some thoughts like she promised??” …. you have NO idea.

Took my son back to the ranch yesterday. He instantly met up with his pals and started playing football with the little guys. So cute. He didn’t seem sad to see me go yesterday as he had all the other times. Felt refreshing knowing that he’ll be back home and awesome in 7.5 months. BTW, he’ll be 18 then. I have no idea what I’ve done with my life. I seriously hope I instilled good things in him.

Carrying on to the next project… I don’t know what’s next. Fear of the unknown would be ok to say, but I’m not sure that I’m afraid. I’m just ready.

J and I have been at each other’s throats today. He planned to fire me from my job which made me question if I even cared. Of course I do. We need the skrilla. lol For some reason, I can’t do anything right. I had a feeling today would go like this anyway.

My woes for adventure is waning and taxing. — and I’m not complaining, or whining. I’m trying to kick it into fourth gear and I haven’t even changed out of first yet. Honestly feelin’ like a bit of a loser right now.. I’m sure this too will pass.

Gonna sign off using a nice quote a friend shared today by Hemingway: We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.

Strangers are odd.

j is growing up. A little too fast for my taste, but seriously.. he is learning. I don’t think that I could have chosen a better father. J is stern and patient to an extent.. and well.. it’s working. Call me crazy (and you just may later on..) but I am at peace knowing that they will take care of each other should something happen to me. That one little thrill of anxiety has now been blocked from causing a scraggly gray hair to creep from my scalp prematurely. Thank you for that..

Except on his journey today with bus travels, someone decided to offer him weed. I asked j what he said and he said no thanks. Aww.. that’s positive. I asked if he knew the guy in the car.. he said ‘nope!’ .. Strangers are odd creatures.

I love the strangers that I’ve adopted in my life … wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!

Beyond that little lifIMG_20170104_142852403.jpge changing moment: I found honey butter biscuits at Sav a lot. Too many edible things were 50% off and not chocolate coated at the Family Dollar store too.  All I needed was mozzarella cheese and paper towels. Any money saver knows you don’t buy those at the same place. But I ended up walking outta there with candy canes that I didn’t need and a box of cookies that are not what I like, but nostalgic.

OH BUT THE ADVENTURE!!

It may be small but I find that my discovery of Honey Butter Biscuits will send my mind down memory lane to the happy places I remember.

I must go play with J. He makes me laugh and his kisses are super sweet.

 

It’s 2 am.

I know it’s the 4th.. but I got the opportunity to sleep yesterday. Let me rephrase that.. I TOOK the opportunity to sleep yesterday.

I had to.  I was in pain.

How do I accent the was part to show that it’s died down, but not subsided.. I can keep my eyes open and type vs wanting to claw my face off. Tooth pain hurts. So today, I not only dipped into the smoke-able stash.. I loaded up on Alieve and even took a benedryl. Within 15 minutes, the throbbing pain up my neck lessened. “Whew.. ok,” I thought, “Now I can get some work done.”

Work done??? Dude! I don’t remember laying down, taking calls, feeding the dogs, … nothing. I was annihilated. I toasted myself out. I don’t remember eating anything.. wait. I had a hotdog.

I woke up at 11pm wondering if it was am or pm. My eyes focus on the top of the curtain. Sunlight? Nope. I slept the day away. Not that it was a bad thing.. I’m so glad that the buddies in the house kept everything standing.

I have a feeling of accomplishment. Like I taught them well.. They didn’t burn the house down and I’m getting to be awake this late and be alone and active.

Now to catch up on Sister Wives. I could so be Mary’s best friend.

… I gotta think of a sign off.   Perhaps just a note to self from the day.. let’s try.

Note to self: It’s okay to be weak. Admitting it is the hardest part. 

Not too demanding..

Holidays are awesome. Right? They are supposed to be. Family, cozy times, chatter… the list could simply go on and on. When is enough enough? When is it to get back to normal life? What day does that fall on and how come its different with everyone?

We all knew when it was Dec 24th, we were off the next day (well some of us.. me included) We knew that banks and post offices would be scarce and we would often have to ask: ‘What day is it?’ and the ones we asked didn’t know either, they looked at an electronic device to remember.

Here it is January 2nd. I’m bombarded. I hated the fact that I had to work during the holidays, but eh.. it is what it is. Now — I am seeing my family relaxing, laughing and ya know what?? .. My butt is still working. Oh I am still in the house. I work from home. The green eyed monster comes out when I don’t get included on what is so funny… Let’s face it, the aftermath of an inside joke in order to bring in someone else.. well, you get it. It doesn’t work. It fails, bombs..

This year, I am in love. J & j are buddies. I’ve butted out. Besides, my job as a mom is done… sorta. I now have to wait to be a grandma.

I am in no hurry!!! –Just so we are all clear.

Little girls belong to their protector as they grow up — their daddies. The innocent love affair between a daughter and father is undeniable. She never wants to disappoint. Until boys. Then she drifts off to her mother, some (like me) confiding in their mothers now and leaving the dad in the dark. Making him become stern and over cautious for no reason. Well, no good one anyway.

Let me tell you something I found out.

Boys. My son is a mamma’s boy. But he turned 17.. wait. Lemme back up. He turned 15 and mom didn’t get to hear the secrets anymore, the ‘i love yous’ became, ‘love yas’ .. Hell, I went from a proud MOMMY to Mom to ma. You should see the texts. lol I’m not complaining.. I’m venting. And I’m still proud.

Now, he’s way taller than me, and sounds like a man. I see glimpses of the lil man that used to be my bestie. Now I see him speak with reserve and respect. Taking knowledge from J, absorbing it and I watch j ignore my ignorant comical responses. He grew up.

Can anyone tell me what I’m supposed to do with my time now?

After speaking to my wise mother, she told me that I needed to bring me to the front burner again. I said that I didn’t even know who that was anymore.. She knows my job. As we continue, and you keep up.. you will too.

Perhaps my 2017 Adventure will help me discover who I am again. God I hope she’s cool.