Relationships are Selfish.

Don’t pass judgment until you read my reasoning.

What do you want from a relationship with another person? What are you looking to achieve?

• You don’t want to be alone.
• You want someone to financially take are of you.
• You want love.
• You desire attention and
• To only have that one person for you.
• …. I’m sure there are many personal reasons. Too many to list. Feel free to write in your own.

 

My point is: It’s what YOU want. Many are still single because it’s what YOU want. But those that are in relationships, I’m hoping you can follow my thought process.

Men:

You meet this woman, you take her on a date. You HOPE she wants pizza because you are craving it.. but will give her the opportunity to choose the restaurant based on what? The fact that you might get a smile and a kiss at the end of the night? It’s what you wanted when you asked her out — isn’t it?

Take it a step further. You’ve been dating a while and you move in together. She has found the most awesome (to her) curtains for your room. They are plaid with pink things in them. Does she get to keep them? OF COURSE!! Do you hate them? Yes. But! You’re sleeping with a woman by your side at night now… Sex ANYTIME. Right?

Now you’re married. She’s locked you down. This can go one of two ways: 1. You have decided for your benefit that it’s best to leave her to the house details or you start learning to really like pink and blue plaid.

 

Ladies:

Let’s just take the scenarios up there and process the same ones… shall we?

You meet this guy. He seems like someone your dad would approve of, why not agree to the date? It’s just a date. Who doesn’t want dinner and a companion? Maybe even a little night on the town? Attention?

So it turns out, dad did approve. Good job. Now you’re getting a place together. You test his co-habitation interest and approach him with pink and blue curtains. He says, sure… it’s whatever YOU want. Makes you happy because it reminds you of your old college dorm and thankfully they were on sale. You had a feeling he wouldn’t like them, but you bought them anyway for ‘us’.

And he proposed. You’re married. You got the attention and affection YOU wanted, you got the dinner… You even got the curtains. To ice the cake, he proposed and made it official. It’s what most (won’t say ‘every’) women want.

 

You got what you wanted. Selfishly.

Now hear me out. You can unselfishly give to your other but in a way… you’re doing it selfishly. It’s not what the other person wants. It’s what YOU want in response to doing something to or for someone else.  It’s YOUR life, right?

Stepping stones of life… or chapters. No one is saying those stones go up. Just a path. Hopping from one stone to the next or flipping the pages. When someone you have put your whole self into decides it’s better to follow a different path or read a different book, it hurts.

What’s worse is when you feel like the stepping stone or the old worn out novel.

 

I need to find the word.

Miserable, no. I’m sorta happy sometimes. Jealous? Maybe a smidge, but only of youth. Used up, maybe. But what is the word for feeling lost without your spark or your umpf? I feel my characteristics being transferred to another and now I have a loss of identity. Keep in mind, this may be all in my head. I’m hurting.

Is this one of those stupid guy things that once you say you’re​ with “her,” Her is just supposed to know every day? She doesn’t. Just because you nabbed the princess, fighting to keep her not only with you-but also to keep her (each other) happy. 

Shooing discreet symbols of affection and blatantly disregard the loneliness of her. 

Guess I’m the old ball under the bed right now.

Saw a dead body today…

…talk about adventure.

I wish I could have closed my eyes and not seen anything. BUT.. I did. And you guys are going to get my visual. Strap in, it was traumatic to me.

As I was headed to the post office, (much like I do any other day), HWY 27 was blocked off by about 27 cars and trucks. It was imperative that you drive thru the 2 oncoming lanes of traffic to avoid this catastrophe. Approaching the scene, cars blocked visually the accident. I thought the little diner was on fire. SERIOUSLY! There were fire trucks and only one ambulance. (Picture to the right is the only news on it so far and it’s on the FHP website as a call out… Fatal. Well, no kidding.

As I got closer and started thru the traffic squeeze, I saw large plastic tarps being held up by a young woman who looked quite pale. My eyes focused on the single tire that had been ripped from the car by the axle and broken in half that was in the middle lane. Panic came over my face and I looked up just as the curtain blew back from the wind to expose 2 dead people lying in the street. I saw them. I cannot give details as to what happened in the accident as I was traumatically flustered with a panic attack.

I saw a smashed vehicle, but I can’t tell you what color is was. It too had a matching tarp covering it.

Irrational fear is hard to explain to someone that doesn’t share your view.

I have a fear of Dead Bodies. This is No Shit… I can’t make this stuff up.

While speaking to my mother today about it and her calming me down, she tried to find the source of the fear. She said that it more than likely started when I was three. Check out this story that I can remember like it was yesterday:

I was 3 and my mom took us to the laundromat to do laundry. My brother (he was 7 or 8) was pushing me in one of the rolling carts. As my mother (I’m sure) told us to stop,  I wandered outside the door and found a man that had face planted the cement. Blood ran from his face and trickled a dark red into the gutter. He couldn’t move and I was struck with fear in not knowing what to do. Even in my little brain, I knew something was wrong. 

My mother protected us and just gathered her things and took us from the place. I have no closure knowing whether or not the guy lived. 

Since then, seeing a guy dying in front of me has sunk into my brain and given me the fear of death and dying and dead people. I can’t do it. I hyperventilate. 

Irrational fear is just that … irrational. Doesn’t make sense and everything else just stops. I hope that I get to experience irrational fear with J. Lemme rephrase: I hope he has some irrational fear that I get to place judgment on. He made me feel small and stupid.

It’s not something I can explain, but it’s real to me.

It’s been a couple days.

What can I say? I’m busy. Not lazy.

I’m sure you reading this going “seriously, how long does it take to write down some thoughts like she promised??” …. you have NO idea.

Took my son back to the ranch yesterday. He instantly met up with his pals and started playing football with the little guys. So cute. He didn’t seem sad to see me go yesterday as he had all the other times. Felt refreshing knowing that he’ll be back home and awesome in 7.5 months. BTW, he’ll be 18 then. I have no idea what I’ve done with my life. I seriously hope I instilled good things in him.

Carrying on to the next project… I don’t know what’s next. Fear of the unknown would be ok to say, but I’m not sure that I’m afraid. I’m just ready.

J and I have been at each other’s throats today. He planned to fire me from my job which made me question if I even cared. Of course I do. We need the skrilla. lol For some reason, I can’t do anything right. I had a feeling today would go like this anyway.

My woes for adventure is waning and taxing. — and I’m not complaining, or whining. I’m trying to kick it into fourth gear and I haven’t even changed out of first yet. Honestly feelin’ like a bit of a loser right now.. I’m sure this too will pass.

Gonna sign off using a nice quote a friend shared today by Hemingway: We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.

Strangers are odd.

j is growing up. A little too fast for my taste, but seriously.. he is learning. I don’t think that I could have chosen a better father. J is stern and patient to an extent.. and well.. it’s working. Call me crazy (and you just may later on..) but I am at peace knowing that they will take care of each other should something happen to me. That one little thrill of anxiety has now been blocked from causing a scraggly gray hair to creep from my scalp prematurely. Thank you for that..

Except on his journey today with bus travels, someone decided to offer him weed. I asked j what he said and he said no thanks. Aww.. that’s positive. I asked if he knew the guy in the car.. he said ‘nope!’ .. Strangers are odd creatures.

I love the strangers that I’ve adopted in my life … wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!

Beyond that little life changing moment: I found honey butter biscuits at Sav a lot. Too many edible things were 50% off and not chocolate coated at the Family Dollar store too.  All I needed was mozzarella cheese and paper towels. Any money saver knows you don’t buy those at the same place. But I ended up walking outta there with candy canes that I didn’t need and a box of cookies that are not what I like, but nostalgic.

OH BUT THE ADVENTURE!!

It may be small but I find that my discovery of Honey Butter Biscuits will send my mind down memory lane to the happy places I remember.

I must go play with J. He makes me laugh and his kisses are super sweet.

 

It’s 2 am.

I know it’s the 4th.. but I got the opportunity to sleep yesterday. Let me rephrase that.. I TOOK the opportunity to sleep yesterday.

I had to.  I was in pain.

How do I accent the was part to show that it’s died down, but not subsided.. I can keep my eyes open and type vs wanting to claw my face off. Tooth pain hurts. So today, I not only dipped into the smoke-able stash.. I loaded up on Alieve and even took a benedryl. Within 15 minutes, the throbbing pain up my neck lessened. “Whew.. ok,” I thought, “Now I can get some work done.”

Work done??? Dude! I don’t remember laying down, taking calls, feeding the dogs, … nothing. I was annihilated. I toasted myself out. I don’t remember eating anything.. wait. I had a hotdog.

I woke up at 11pm wondering if it was am or pm. My eyes focus on the top of the curtain. Sunlight? Nope. I slept the day away. Not that it was a bad thing.. I’m so glad that the buddies in the house kept everything standing.

I have a feeling of accomplishment. Like I taught them well.. They didn’t burn the house down and I’m getting to be awake this late and be alone and active.

Now to catch up on Sister Wives. I could so be Mary’s best friend.

… I gotta think of a sign off.   Perhaps just a note to self from the day.. let’s try.

Note to self: It’s okay to be weak. Admitting it is the hardest part. 

Not too demanding..

Holidays are awesome. Right? They are supposed to be. Family, cozy times, chatter… the list could simply go on and on. When is enough enough? When is it to get back to normal life? What day does that fall on and how come its different with everyone?

We all knew when it was Dec 24th, we were off the next day (well some of us.. me included) We knew that banks and post offices would be scarce and we would often have to ask: ‘What day is it?’ and the ones we asked didn’t know either, they looked at an electronic device to remember.

Here it is January 2nd. I’m bombarded. I hated the fact that I had to work during the holidays, but eh.. it is what it is. Now — I am seeing my family relaxing, laughing and ya know what?? .. My butt is still working. Oh I am still in the house. I work from home. The green eyed monster comes out when I don’t get included on what is so funny… Let’s face it, the aftermath of an inside joke in order to bring in someone else.. well, you get it. It doesn’t work. It fails, bombs..

This year, I am in love. J & j are buddies. I’ve butted out. Besides, my job as a mom is done… sorta. I now have to wait to be a grandma.

I am in no hurry!!! –Just so we are all clear.

Little girls belong to their protector as they grow up — their daddies. The innocent love affair between a daughter and father is undeniable. She never wants to disappoint. Until boys. Then she drifts off to her mother, some (like me) confiding in their mothers now and leaving the dad in the dark. Making him become stern and over cautious for no reason. Well, no good one anyway.

Let me tell you something I found out.

Boys. My son is a mamma’s boy. But he turned 17.. wait. Lemme back up. He turned 15 and mom didn’t get to hear the secrets anymore, the ‘i love yous’ became, ‘love yas’ .. Hell, I went from a proud MOMMY to Mom to ma. You should see the texts. lol I’m not complaining.. I’m venting. And I’m still proud.

Now, he’s way taller than me, and sounds like a man. I see glimpses of the lil man that used to be my bestie. Now I see him speak with reserve and respect. Taking knowledge from J, absorbing it and I watch j ignore my ignorant comical responses. He grew up.

Can anyone tell me what I’m supposed to do with my time now?

After speaking to my wise mother, she told me that I needed to bring me to the front burner again. I said that I didn’t even know who that was anymore.. She knows my job. As we continue, and you keep up.. you will too.

Perhaps my 2017 Adventure will help me discover who I am again. God I hope she’s cool.

2017

It’s time to start writing it all down before I begin to forget. Might as well make a ‘Captain’s Log’ .. if you will. I would love to take this opportunity to tell my few readers that I will contribute everyday to my blog in order to enrich my life memory daily.

Let’s be real. I don’t have that kind of time. You see my track record. But MAYBE.. just maybe, I can start jotting down random thoughts in lists via the way my mind travels.. then revisit? .. oh look, I’m getting hopeful already.

My word for 2016 was “Happy”. I smashed that. Did I think that I was going to have to be alone to get it some where in the middle of 2016? Yes. I did. Thankfully, I got to October and things took a turn upward. I found my happy. Makes me feel better.. Kind of like Peter Pan. You know in the movie Hook when he had to think happy thoughts to fly? .. well, I’m so glad that I can fly now. Which leads me to my word for 2017:

ADVENTURE.

Life is a journey, but if I always follow the path that I know– how in the hell am I gonna talk about my experiences? That will be boring to have grand kids sit around your feet and each story start with, well.. like usual — I went to .. Blah blah blah.. Adventure isn’t only at the grocery store! I decided that I honestly need to get out more and take more chances. I’m ready. And with J & j by my side and in my corner.. they got my back.

J & I have talked about in September going to New Orleans. I know what he wants to do, but I’ll wait until that chapter before I spoil the story.

BTW, My new pink frame round glasses are the cat’s meow. I love them.

Toasting off to a new year: Here’s to hoping 2017’s not that scary!

-Ms. B

So I’m the mom of a Junior…

As a mother, you do many things for your child.. such as birth him. You go through the agonizing waiting period of being pregnant. THEN! You go through the process of what seems like a longer wait to push what feels like a ball of lightning out of your groin area. The ooh & ahhs come later … well, not much later. Once you hear him cry, it’s like someone set of the most glorious symphony the world has ever heard. All of the pain disappears for that instant and your feel numb. The little, wiggly, slimy person that they are handing you at that moment is something YOU created. No one else. Oh, ok.. without the ‘push’ from the opposite gender, it would have never happened… I know. I’m sure he was enjoying the job while waving his magic wand. (Insert smiley face here for surrendering purposes. Please note that I’m a single mom and this is MY life. Not comparing to anyone.)

Through the years that my little guy and I have been hanging on to each other such as a mom and son do, we’ve developed a relationship that cannot be compared to any other alliance that either of us has had. Its a bond like no other. I’ve been his number one fan since before he was born and I’d like to think I’ve been some sort of guru or motivator for him. (Fingers crossed anyway.)

I have taught him to eat, talk, walk and basic lessons of life, like his colors, alphabet and numbers. I have changed multitudes of diapers, bathed him when dirty, held him when he cried (still do!) and even spoiled him like he needed. And even sometimes when he didn’t need it. I provided shelter and nourishment as well as discipline and basic skills to use later in his life.

As he grew up, I taught him how to ride his bike and encouraged him to get a really awesome hair cut to begin his trend of style. I helped him match his clothes to his shoes and even mended a few broken hearts, just by listening to him talk. (I taught him that…)

I have still taught him things as he values my opinion and comes to me for advice. I have aided in the heart ache of “puppy love” affairs and helped him learn from the actions that happened in the meantime. I have encouraged him to go out for things, such as football and to ask that one special girl to a dance. Just so we are all clear, he did it. He accomplished it too. I have helped him from being bullied and also told him to stand up for other little guys that get bullied.

Now, he’s becoming a grown man. As he will always be my little guy, letting him become his own person is so hard. I couldn’t even come up with a good metaphor to use because ‘hard’ is what it is. Separating my son from my apron strings is just hard. Putting him in what we call “boarding school” has not only been beneficial to him, but to me as well. However, those strings are still there. Just like iron to a magnet.

He has taught me so much from the short time he’s been on this earth. I honestly don’t think that I could have learned it from anyone else. His words make sense and it all clicks. (I think I taught him that too.)

Today, he became a junior in high school. It’s his first day. Public school this time. So many things have changed from when I went to school. In the back of my head, I was hoping that I wouldn’t be one of the people that say: “Back in my day…,” or “When I was in school…”.

But I am.

I can only imagine the memories he will make this year and the friendships that will bond for a lifetime.. Much like the friendships I have with most of my friends that I keep in touch with on Facebook.

I have to say of all the 4 years in high school, (to me) the most important (socially) is the Junior year.

Basic Junior year is:
You’re now an upper class man, so the nerves are gone, you know what to expect. Best thing is that freshmen and sophomores look up to you.

For some, a driver’s license.  My boy? … Hopefully he will get his permit next month. Then he can drive me around! 
You get your first REAL boyfriend or girlfriend. (You know, the one you think you’ll spend forever with — only to figure out later that she’s the reason your guard is up with future relationships because of the heartbreak caused by them. Minus Brad​ & Jenny​ of course. They were somehow born for each other. <3)
You get to go to prom and get all dressed up and let your mom take pictures of you for hours on the front lawn, while you swat bugs from your new hair doo and try not to sweat off your make up. You also make sure you don’t mess up your shoes or pedicure before you go. Heaven forbid you step in some present the dog left.

You do many fundraiser projects to that you can not only raise money for the prom, but also for graduation.
… you do senior pictures and you prepare to look for colleges. So many things.

This is the year.

My son will be a graduate of 2017 at the age of 17. That’s pretty significant, but the year of ’15-’16 will make the most impression of his lifetime. I’ve never been more proud of my son, Jake,​ than I am now. The pride is only going to grow more and more.

I just hope he realizes I’m still his biggest fan.

Wow. Just wow…

I say that when all I can do is shake my head. I have to say I’ve been shaking my head a lot. Just… wow.

Let’s face it. Idiots are everywhere.. but without idiots, how would we get the answers to questions that we are afraid to ask ourselves?

Before I start my rant… let me back up and explain to you where it began and where my breaking point was…

I love yahoo news. I don’t know why exactly, but I do. I love clicking the right button and scrolling through all of the little pictures and seeing what captions they can put under them in order to make them ‘must click news’. I’ve heard all about the Kardashians, the 5 things you just don’t say to guys, who got the longest pass in the football game the night before, who Simon Cowell impregnated, what to do to improve your house, what you shouldn’t do to improve your house, what jobs are poppin’ for new graduates…. you name it.. they’ve talked about it. And as much as they have talked about it.. so have I. I use it to break odd silences in car rides and to make myself sound like I know what I’m talking about.

I think I honestly got interested in what Yahoo! news had to say about 5 years ago when I thought I had found the end of the internet and nothing else was interesting. I mean seriously, how much p0rn can one person look at? Yes, there are places out there that have nothing to do with that, but I honestly had lost interest in the internet. I was tired of ‘chatting’ with people on messengers. I was tired of just looking through the same ol’ email.. I was tired of signing up for things and then being bombarded with multiple spams in my inbox telling me to buy this, look at that, sign up for this.. send me money here… So I stopped everything and opened Yahoo. Now I have to say, this is before I found pinterest or stumbleupon. I just looked at the front page of Yahoo and was in awe. Look at all that mess… (i shook my head)

I started to click links. I knew there had to be more to the internet than vast lands of coupons and online shopping (ebay & bidz) I needed something to catch my attention. Enter stage left: the yahoo headlines.  I clicked a picture with an interesting tag line and low and behold… I could comment on the article that was written.. just like all these other people that had something to say. 

I enjoy what some people have to say and in my head, I’m like: hell yeah.. couldn’t have said it better myself. Then.. there are those that comment on the article only to be irritating or mean to other people with opinions or questions. Those kind of people really put a kink in my herringbone.

A ‘how to’ article on hair color had a reader comment with a question that asked what dye was used in order to create the colors to tip on the hair. I was thinking the same thing!! I was like, seriously.. what dye for the hair is green, purple, pink, red, orange… so I can make my hair those pretty rainbowish colors??? And while looking for an answer from the instructor, I see a reply to the comment that reads: “I hate idiots!! It’s hair dye, stupid!!!” 

As I thought for a second, and said to myself, wow.. harsh. Then as if my screen to my computer was talking to me, I answered with a verbal — NU UH!! I’ve not seen those colors anywhere other than in Splat hair stain.. and this was supposed to be home remedies. I immediately got irritated at the comment. Did I reply? No. I didn’t stoop to that level of ignorance. 

Point to my blog? Everyone has a right to speak their mind, comment how they want, and question what they want to question without judgment of what other people think.  Now I can see it from the other side too.. those people also have the right to comment, question and speak their mind however they want… HOWEVER!!!!! The people that post questions are in fact people. Rude people should be rude on their own time. 

In the words of Thumper’s mom on Bambi: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nuthin’ at all.